The Ridge-Mark Terrarium was buzzing with more than just radioactive bees.
Ryan stood outside Payless Tentacles, wearing a gold-trimmed blazer Mr. Kind had forced him to wear for the Employee of the Millennium program. He looked less like a mall security guard and more like a galactic diplomat.
Suddenly, a legion of six-legged Centaurians from the neighboring Dust-Cloud Sector skidded to a halt, kneeling so hard the floor tiles cracked. Their leader, a beast with a voice like a grinding blender, pointed a jagged spear at Ryan’s nametag. He didn’t see Ryan; he saw what he thought was the ancient glyph for The Eternal Refund King on his jacket.
“The Prophecy is fulfilled!” the leader roared. “You shall lead us in the Great Return of the Shattered Vases!”
“Wait, I just work here,” Ryan said.
Dover the escalator groaned as he compressed his accordion-like steps to walk beside him. “Don’t fight it, Ryan. If they find out you aren’t the King, they will use your ribcage as a display rack for seasonal scarves.”
Ryan looked at the ticking countdown on the mall’s Customer Satisfaction monitor. He had three minutes before the real Refund King—a five-hundred-ton sentient gelatinous cube—was scheduled to arrive via the express wormhole. He began blessing the Centaurians’ broken pottery with his flashlight, chanting mall policies in a deep, fake voice.
“By the power of the ninety-day warranty, I absolve these cracks!” Ryan shouted, waving his flashlight.
The Centaurians cheered, but the air turned cold and smelled like grape jelly. The wormhole hissed open, and a massive purple eye the size of a minivan peered through.
“Uh, Ryan,” Nebula said, leaning out of McDopplers with a tray of synth-fries. “The actual god of returns is here, and he looks like he’s about to file a very violent complaint about identity theft.”
Ryan looked at the giant cube, then at the warriors.
“I think I’m going on my break,” he whispered, as the floor began to liquefy.
(This story was created by an earthquake on July 23, 2026, Magnitude of: 3.38. 5 km SW of Ridgemark, CA https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/nc75382001)
