Three Heads are Worse than One

Ryan stood before his boss at the sprawling Mall of the Multiverse, with its 4,500 stores, and ample parking on three nearby moons.

He was still a little fuzzy on how he got here, billions of miles away from his home planet Earth. But he was now working as a security guard at the mall… pointing alien shoppers to the food court or the rest rooms or the escalators… and somehow trying to his survive his extremely-alien boss, Mr. Meankinder, who had three alien heads.

Each one of Mr. MeanKinder’s head had a different personality. There was the “Mean” head, the “Kind” head, and the “er” head… who always seemed kind of, er… confused.

Ryan hoped he’d be speaking with the “Kind” head this time. This could be the promotion interview of a lifetime. But…

“Random! Your efficiency is trash!” bellowed Mr. Mean, his face a terrifying shade of ultraviolet.

Mr. Kind countered, “But he has such a lovely, average face! Let’s make him Vice President!”

Mr. Er just blinked rapidly, confused by his own tie.

Suddenly, the walls of the office began vibrating. A customer had dropped a box of “Universal Solvent” in the hallway, and it was literally dissolving the reality of Floor Six. Dover, a sentient escalator on the ground floor, was currently in his compact mobile railing form. He let out a metallic sigh. “It’s over, Ryan. We’re going down, and the warranty expired in the Triassic.”

As panic erupted and guards reached for unstable disruptors that would likely delete the galaxy, Ryan noticed a nearby kiosk selling “Extra-Sticky Cosmic Tape.” He grabbed a roll, sprinted to the expanding void, and simply taped over the leak using his security badge to smooth the edges.

The void stopped. Reality stabilized. Ryan returned, hopeful. “So… about that lead officer position?”

Mr. Mean shrieked, “You used unauthorized adhesive! That’s a protocol violation!”

Mr. Kind sadly patted Ryan’s head.

Ryan sighed. So did Mr. Er.

Ryan did not get his promotion, but his on-again/off-again alien girlfriend Nebula was waiting for him at McDopplers in the food court with a tray of free Gravity-Fries. In this mall and in this strange alien world… that was a Big Win.

Story generated by a 3.6 earthquake, June 17, 2026, 13:25:05 (UTC) – 8 km WSW of Johannesburg, CA