Existence is a Tall Order

Ryan and Dover were stranded in the Overflow Dust-Flat of Sector-51, a three-day trek from the main mall entrance across a scorched plain of abandoned space-minivans and sentient tumbleweeds.

Dover’s railing-limbs clicked rhythmically against the salt-crust. Ryan ignored his friend’s complaints, focused on a grease-stained map pointing toward the distant neon glow of the food court.

Their first roadblock was a gathering of Binary Monks who refused to let anyone pass unless they could solve a Rubik’s Cube made of frozen antimatter.

Ryan didn’t solve it; he simply offered them his lukewarm, neon-blue sports drink. The monks, fascinated by the liquid’s unnatural color, declared him a hydration deity and paved a path for fifty yards before vanishing into a cloud of static.

An hour later, they were swarmed by Telepathic Sales-Gnats. The insects didn’t bite; they projected aggressive thoughts about extended warranties directly into Ryan’s frontal lobe. Dover saved them by vibrating at a frequency so miserable the gnats became too depressed to fly, settling into the dust to contemplate their tiny, meaningless lives.

Finally, they reached the gate marked You Must Be This Tall To Exist. The guard was a giant, sentient thumb who demanded a toll in the form of a cherished childhood memory. Ryan reached into his pocket, pulled out a crumpled receipt for a pack of gum, and told the thumb it was his very first paycheck.

The thumb wept, swinging the gate open. They stepped onto the mall’s climate-controlled carpet just as Ryan’s lunch break ended. Mr. Meankinder’s angry head was already screaming into a megaphone, while his kind head offered Ryan a Welcome Back cupcake made of spicy, glowing radiation.

(This story created by a NEVADA earthquake (near California) on July 17, 2026. Magnitude of: 3.64. 45 km SE of Beatty, Nevada. URL: https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/nn00921891)