Ryan Random clutched the Super Coupon of Infinite Percentage as if it were the last oxygen tank on a sinking moon.
Behind him, a stampede of six-legged Glip-Glops and a very angry hive-mind of sentient sweaters shrieked in consumerist rage. He was sprinting through the Dust-Bowl Quadrant, a rusted retail colony on the edge of the Void where the only thing harsher than the UV rays was the competition for a clearance sale.
“Pick it up, Ryan!” Nebula Norris yelled, her third arm extending from her neck to swing her onto a hovering kiosk. She snatched a passing tray of nebula-nuggets from a startled waiter and hurled them at the pursuing crowd. The nuggets exploded into sticky, neon-purple goo, slowing the first wave of bargain hunters, but the sweater-hive simply absorbed the mess and kept rolling.
“I’m going as fast as these bargain-store boots allow!” Ryan wheezed. He ducked under a malfunctioning laser-fence and dove onto Dover, who had compressed himself into a portable, high-speed escalator mode.
“Going up?” Dover groaned, his metallic steps clattering with existential dread. “Though, technically, in this gravity-free zone, up is just a relative concept to mask the fact that we are all descending into the heat death of the universe.”
“Less philosophy, more velocity!” Ryan commanded.
Dover surged forward, his railing-appendages sparking against the obsidian floor as they blurred past the storefronts of Payless Tentacles and a very confused Wormhole-Mart.
The exit was in sight: a shimmering portal to the employee breakroom. Ryan reached for the scanner, the Super Coupon glowing with the promise of a free, life-sized chocolate asteroid. Just as his hand touched the sensor, a tiny, four-eyed toddler alien sitting in a hovering stroller reached out and sneezed. A glob of radioactive mucus hit the coupon, instantly dissolving the barcode.
The mall’s PA system crackled to life with a smug, synthesized voice. “Coupon invalid. Please pay the full price of four trillion credits or surrender your soul to the customer loyalty program.”
Ryan looked at the approaching mob, then at the dissolving paper in his hand. “Well,” he sighed, “at least the loyalty program offers a free tote bag on your thousandth year of service.”
(This story created by an earthquake NEAR California on Sept. 26, 2026. Magnitude of: 4.1. 20 km W of Preston, Nevada. URL: https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/nn00924954)
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