Ryan ducked as a glob of molten slag sizzled past his ear, missing his security cap. The Coso Thermal Crater Annex was experiencing a Customer Satisfaction Event, meaning a sixty-foot-tall Magma-Gurgler was currently smashing into The Outer Limit Factory Outlet.
“Extinguish it, Ryan!” Mr. Meankinder’s Mean head screamed through the radio.
His Kind head added, “Use the eco-friendly foam, dear boy.!
Ryan ignored both heads, watching the beast. It wasn’t attacking; it was weeping liquid fire and pointing a jagged claw at a crumpled piece of paper.
Dover the Escalator rumbled beneath Ryan’s feet. “He’s just like me, Ryan. A hollow shell filled with heat and regret. Let him melt the Payless Tentacles. It’s a mercy killing.”
“He’s not attacking, Dover. Look,” Ryan said, scooting his electric vehicle through a cloud of sulfur. He snatched the singed document from the creature’s tremor-inducing hand. It wasn’t a declaration of war. It was a Buy One, Get One Free voucher for El Pluto Loco’s Sub-Zero Nitrogen Slushies.
Nebula Norris leaned out of the slushie kiosk, her third arm wiping blue goo off the counter. “I told him we don’t accept expired coupons from the Andromeda Galaxy, Ryan. Rules are rules.”
The Magma-Gurgler let out a roar that shattered the windows of Abercrombie & Droid. Ryan grabbed a pen and scribbled “Valid in all Dimensions” on the back of the voucher.
“Corporate override,” Ryan shouted, handing it back. “Give him the slushy, Nebula.”
Nebula shrugged and handed over a gallon of frozen neon liquid. The Gurgler swallowed it, sighed a cloud of cooling steam, and promptly fell asleep, blocking the main entrance.
“Great job, Random,” Mr. Mean growled over the comms. “Now help the customers climb over his snoring carcass. No overtime!”
(This story created by a California earthquake on August 23, 2026. Magnitude of: 3.96264786337985. 10 km ENE of Coso Junction, CA. URL: https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/ci41533416)
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