Ryan found Dover vibrating so violently that the surrounding storefronts of Abercrombie & Droid were losing their glass. The sentient escalator wasn’t moving passengers; he was staring intently at a gap between his steel treads with a look of manic intensity.

“It fell in, Ryan,” Dover wheezed, his metal railing-arms twitching. “A genuine, pre-singularity copper token. It is lodged in my thirteenth step. I can feel its cold, metallic judgment.”

“Dover, it is a penny,” Ryan said, leaning on his slow electric scooter. “It is worth less than the air we are breathing. If you keep grinding your gears like that, Mr. Meankinder’s Mean Head is going to fire us both into a sun.”

“You do not understand,” Dover shrieked, reversing his treads at high speed. “The symmetry is ruined! I am a masterpiece of vertical transportation, not a piggy bank!”

Nebula Norris wandered over from El Pluto Loco, tossing a handful of glowing nachos into her mouth with her floating third arm. “Dover’s been at it for three light-hours,” she said. “He already dislodged four tourists and a sentient cloud of gas trying to shake it out.”

Suddenly, Dover let out a hydraulic roar. He detached from his foundation in the Lark-Wiki Sector 7 Shopping Colony, folding his massive frame into a metallic accordion. He began violently hopping up and down, causing a localized earthquake that shattered the windows of Bed Bath & Way Beyond.

“I will find it,” Dover screamed, leaping toward the skylight. “Even if I have to turn myself inside out!”

Mr. Meankinder’s Kind Head poked out of the office, smiling warmly. “Everything looks wonderful, Ryan! Is this a new interpretive dance?”

No, Ryan sighed, watching Dover disappear into the ventilation ductwork. “It is just a very expensive coin toss.”

(This story created by a California earthquake on Sept. 2, 2026. Magnitude of: 3.34. 3 km ESE of Larkfield-Wikiup, CA. URL: https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/nc75429272)

Ryan stared at the Value Meal #9 which was currently trying to crawl out of its cardboard box and bite his finger. “Nebula, I asked for extra pickles, not `extra teeth,'” he sighed, tapping his security flashlight against the tray.

They were at McDopplers in the Ontari-Ox Logistics Moon, a cratered shipping terminal in Dimensional Sector SE-6 that handled the Mall’s overflow of impulse-buy garbage.

“It’s the new Living Lettuce promotion,” Nebula said, her third arm emerging from her shoulder to flip a burger that looked suspiciously like a flattened lung. “The manager says if the food fights back, it burns more calories. It’s a health thing.”

Dover, Ryan’s sentient escalator friend, groaned as his metal treads vibrated against the floor. “Why even eat? We’re all just going down eventually. Life is a steady decline into a basement of disappointment.”

Suddenly, Mr. Meankinder’s angry head roared from across the court. “RANDOM! Why aren’t you guarding the Grav-Boot kiosk? I’ll have your skin for a rug!”

His kind head immediately interjected, “But do take your time, dear boy, digestion is key!”

His third head just blinked and muttered, “Where am I? Is this a shoe?”

Ryan looked at the burger. It hissed and grew a tiny, leafy eye. “You know what? I’m not even hungry.” He nudged the tray toward a passing four-legged tourist. “Hey, free sample!”

The tourist, a gaseous cloud in a suit, inhaled the burger instantly. A second later, the cloud turned bright neon pink and began screaming in high-definition French.

“Great,” Ryan muttered, pulling out his mall map. “Now I have to file a Trans-Dimensional Digestive Incident report. There goes my fifteen-minute break.”

Just then, the burger inside the cloud started singing the McDopplers jingle from within the tourist’s throat.

(This story created by a California earthquake on September 1, 2026. Magnitude of: 3.2. 6 km SE of Ontario, CA. URL: https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/ci41540608)

Watch a part of this story on Instagram. And youtube.

Ryan stood in the Scorched-Sands Shopping Sector of the LaQuita-05 Moon, clutching a megaphone. A fifty-foot Xylophian Shredder was currently leveling the outdoor seating area at El Pluto Loco. Its fourteen eyes wept glowing plasma, and its roar shattered every window in Abercrombie & Droid.

Nebula ducked behind a methane fountain. “He’s going to eat the moon, Ryan!” she screamed, her third arm frantically pointing at the beast’s gnashing mandibles.

Mr. Meankinder’s heads were arguing nearby.

“Fire him!” Mr. Mean shrieked.

“Give him a muffin! Mr. Kind countered.

“I can smell my own thoughts!” Mr. Er added for no particular reason.

Ryan ignored them all, noticing the Shredder wasn’t actually biting people. It was only eating the plastic signage.

Ryan strolled up to the monster, tapping his flashlight on its massive toe. “Excuse me, sir!” he shouted. “If you’re looking for the vegan options, they moved to the food court on Level Five. This is just the display menu.”

The Shredder stopped mid-roar and emitted an embarrassed squeak. It pointed a claw at its stomach and sighed.

“He’s just a tourist who can’t read the kiosk font,” Ryan realized.

Dover the Escalator groaned. “Great, now I have to carry him. My steps weren’t built for three-ton dieters.”

(This story created by a California earthquake on August 31, 2026. Magnitude of: 2.91. 22 km SSW of La Quinta, CA. URL: https://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/ci41539640

To see an animated version of this click, go to Instagram. Or youtube.